Which vampires have the best vampire teeth?

For more than a century, filmmakers worldwide have brought vampires to life on screens big and small across hundreds of interpretations. While cinematic bloodsuckers have ranged from the tween-friendly romantic to Bela Lugosi copycat to the gorily monstrous, almost all have one common characteristic: super weird teeth.

Vampire teeth vary drastically throughout cinematic history. One iconic depiction, Lugosi’s Count Dracula, had just plain old human teeth back in 1931. But you probably have a particular image in mind when it comes to bloodsucking fangs: extended canines just long enough to pierce a jugular vein, but not too long as to not be believably retractable.

Filmmakers have certainly tried to deviate from that classic look, to varying degrees of success (and coolness). For Fangsgiving, we’re ranking the seven vampire teeth archetypes in order of overall aesthetic, attractiveness, and creativity.

Romantic Stealth

Image: Recorded Picture Company/Pandora Film

See: Dracula, Interview with the Vampire, Only Lovers Left Alive, Underworld

Perhaps the most pervasive vampire teeth archetype, the Romantic Stealth vampire sports upper canine fangs that can either be retracted or are subtle enough to go unnoticed (until it’s too late). The Romantic Stealth vampire is, in most cases, hot. They are often lean, seductive vampire men who prey on vulnerable women, or captivating succubi that make monsters of horny men. They glam, or give off an alluring sexual energy, in part because they’re clearly attentive to dental hygiene.

The hot Romantic Stealth vampires of fare like Only Lovers Left Alive, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, and Underworld are marginally superior to their lateral incisor-fanged cousins, like those seen in True Blood, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and The Lost Boys.

Slightly Bat-Faced

Image: Warner Bros.

See: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Lost Boys, Vampire in Brooklyn

Slightly Bat-Faced vampires are more of an overall facial aesthetic than a strictly dental one, but the teeth of this group generally match their mutant faces. Vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the soon-to-be-rebooted TV show), for exmple, have more than just sharp fangs; they have generally gnarly teeth that reflect the care and attention to aesthetics that an actual vampire bat may give its mouth. Which is to say “none.”

Still, the appearance of bat-faced vamps in movies like The Lost Boys and Vampire in Brooklyn conveys a more monstrous vibe that deviates dramatically from their regular human appearance, giving them less of an air of mystery and more of a terrifying transformation.

Straight-Up Repulsive

Image: Columbia Pictures

See: From Dusk Till Dawn, Vamp, Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Just beyond the border of the Slightly Bat-Faced group is the repulsive group, which movies like Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Robert Rodriguez’s From Dusk Till Dawn embraced. The former goes full-body werebat, and the latter leans into snakelike aesthetics — extra long fangs and scaly skin included.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula isn’t all repulsion though; its vampires run the gamut from hot, horny, and hunky to overly fangy, abiding by the rule that the older the vampire, the more messed-up looking it is.

Pretty Normal, For A Vampire

Lionsgate Home Entertainment

See: Near Dark, Let the Right One In, Twilight

There’s storytelling value in having a vampire that just looks like a Pretty Normal person. Or, at least, Hollywood’s version of a Pretty Normal person. Just a guy or gal who might occasionally find themselves covered in blood, so there’s some question about whether they’re a creature of the night or incredibly bad with appetite control. A Pretty Normal vampire can keep things interesting, especially when they look just like a cool, grimy guy like Bill Paxton in Near Dark or a nerdy energy vampire like Colin from What We Do in the Shadows.

Of course, the conceit of Twilight relies on vampires being handsome, with Edward and the rest of the Cullen clan being generally pale (sometimes sparkly) and chiseled, with teeth that make you go “that guy’s got slightly exaggerated cuspids, but certainly within the realm of looking pretty normal.”

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a Pretty Normal set of teeth on a vampire, but you’ve gotta make them visually interesting or compelling otherwise.

The Buck Tooth

Images: Public Domain

See: Nosferatu, Salem’s Lot, Vampires Suck, What We Do in the Shadows’ Petyr

I’m sorry, I’m well aware that Nosferatu’s Count Orlok is the ur-example of the cinematic vampire, and I mean no disrespect. But the Orlok-style pointy buck teeth that have influenced similar bloodsuckers are a visual design that I cannot take seriously. The ratlike look of Orlok (and Kurt Barlow from the original adaptation of Salem’s Lot) is off-putting — to say nothing of the original Nosferatu’s stereotypical antisemitic caricature elements of its villain’s design.

In other words, canines are the sweet spot, lateral incisors are acceptable, but central incisors are just not where vampire fangs should go!

Way Too Many Teeth

Image: Universal Pictures

See: Renfield, Van Helsing, Supernatural, 30 Days of Night

Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale’s take on Van Helsing is a fun, trashy time, and has some fantastic Slightly Bat-Faced vampires. But the film’s Dracula is a prime example of the rule that one can have too much of a good thing. Richard Roxburgh’s Dracula’s mouthful of fangs in Van Helsing is a visual disaster, which in no small part is due to the movie’s lumpy computer-generated special effects. They are definitely of a time.

The vampires of Supernatural and 30 Days of Night are similarly over-fanged with Chiclet-sized teeth that make me more queasy than scared. I don’t want to see that much vampire gum… ever!

Predator Mouth

Image: New Line Cinema

See: Blade 2 and Trinity

I’m in the minority when it comes to Wesley Snipes’ Blade trilogy. I’m not a fan! (Though I do love Wesley Snipes as Blade.) Much of my apathy toward the Blade film franchise may have to do with the latter movies’ attempted one-upping of regular vampires with mutant super vampires called Reapers. These next-generation vampires have mandibles that split to give way to a retractable sphincter that not only drains blood, it drains any sense of cool associated with vampires.

In the end, Blade’s goofy-looking Reapers only serve to highlight how great Parker Posey’s vampire teeth — and Triple H’s Jarko Grimwood’s replacement metal teeth — are in Blade Trinity. One could argue that those specific teeth (and the name Jarko Grimwood) are the best things about Blade Trinity full stop.