All’s Fair Season 2 Premiere Ending Explained: Allura Stung By Scorpions

A fountain brawl at a glamorous party, a purse filled with scorpions, and a wig history lesson from Niecy Nash-Betts? Oh, “All’s Fair” is so back.

Ryan Murphy’s legal drama returned to Hulu on Wednesday with the first three episodes of its second season, but since the premiere alone gives us so much to discuss, let’s just stick with that one for now.

Episode 1 invites viewers into Allura’s new, all-glass mansion, but it’s an uninvited viewer that has Kim Kardashian’s character rattled when she catches him looking through her window — er, wall — at night. Fortunately, Allura is a woman of means, so what’s a few more security guards on her payroll? Besides, she has more important things to focus on, like her upcoming Grace Kelly-inspired Scorpio Ball.

Despite danger potentially lurking around the corner, Allura’s vibe remains virtually bulletproof; she isn’t even fazed when Dina insists that she invite Carr (more on that later) to the Scorpio Ball, nor when Carr brings Allura’s ex-husband Chase as her date. It isn’t until the ladies get into a physical fight in the fountain (again, more on that later) that Allura finally snaps — and she’s “f***ing furious.”

Of course, Allura barely has time to chew out her friends for ruining the night before she suddenly begins feeling unwell. As her vision blurs, she collapses on the bathroom floor, and as the ladies gather around her, they discover… multiple scorpions crawling out of Allura’s purse!

Now let’s rewind a bit and see how we got ourselves into this mess:

When we first hear that Liberty has a date in the premiere, frankly, we couldn’t care less. Our eyelids get heavy just thinking back to her romance with What’s-His-Name last season. On a show as over-the-top as this “All’s Fair,” whatever Naomi Watts’ character is up to is usually the least interesting part of any given episode.

Until now! Everything changes when Liberty’s date turns out to be a beautiful woman named Jamie (played by Angela Zhou), whom she later introduces to Allura and Carr at the Scorpio Ball. “Deep down, I think I am a power lesbian,” she explains, and Allura couldn’t be happier for her. Carr, on the other hand, takes the opportunity to destroy Liberty’s fleeting moment of pride.

“Oh, this is utterly unsurprising,” Carr replies to the news, doing yet another solid impression of “Glee” villain Sue Sylvester. “I always thought you could be a carpet muncher. It’s the strained neck, the coat-hanger elbows, and the Neanderthal gaze of a volleyball girl desperate to serve.” The dressing down continues, with Carr telling Liberty that she’ll “always be alone.” Cue the waterworks.

Allura gives Carr a minor scolding, but that’s not enough for Emerald and Milan, who give Carr her final warning within moments of arriving at the Scorpio Ball. Carr is unsurprisingly unreceptive to their words, officially crossing the line by talking smack about Emerald’s sons. Before you know it, the ladies are physically brawling with Carr in the fountain. We love the “Dynasty” moment, but as the hostess of the evening, Allura is considerably less amused.

Remember how Season 1 of “All’s Fair” ended with Dina being hauled off in handcuffs? Well, we learn in the premiere that she has an air-tight alibi for the night of Lloyd’s murder, it just took some time to find it. (It also means that Lloyd’s killer is still on the loose. That’s probably important to keep in mind moving forward.)

One of Dina’s first post-prison stops is Carr’s office, where she tells her former mentee that she forgives her. But as Carr reminds her, “You can’t forgive me without my consent,” so she rejects the notion entirely. Carr also admits to planting Dina’s dementia medication and coercing her maid into testifying against her, further twisting the knife by telling Dina that it’s a good thing she never had kids — because she would have been a terrible mother. That’s apparently Dina’s limit, because she slaps Carr so fast, it nearly knocks her wig off. 

Dina isn’t proud of herself for slapping Carr. In fact, she regrets it immediately, fearing that it will incite retaliation against the firm. That fear only increases during a tarot card reading, which warns that a past transgression will come back to haunt Dina in the future. (Side note: “The Real Housewives of New York City” star Dorinda Medley was an inspired bit of stunt casting for the psychic.)

Dina convinces Allura to invite Carr to the Scorpio Ball to mend fences, but Carr is the last person on Dina’s mind when the big night finally arrives. She finds herself more preoccupied with a cute — and much younger — waiter named Brody (played by Noah Fearnley) who whisks her away to a closet where they slow dance to Joni Mitchell. He even serenades her a little bit, which is definitely awkward, but also… kind of cute? She initially doubts whether his attraction is genuine, and we still don’t think it is, but that doesn’t stop her from kissing her new boo thang right there in the closet. It’s a beautiful, spacious closet, but a closet nonetheless.

“All’s Fair” often feels like several different shows airing simultaneously, like the entirely separate family sitcom we experience anytime we spent time with Emerald and her sons. In this week’s episode of “Emerald’s Family,” she plays fairy godmother to her boys’ situationships, helping the girls dress for Allura’s party. And what would a makeover montage be without the dramatic reveal of Emerald’s stunning wig closet (seen above)? It’s enough to take your breath away, really.

Another fun premiere development comes courtesy of this week’s divorce case: a model (played by Robin Givens) claims she’s entitled to half of her cheating magazine mogul husband’s money, as she says she never signed their prenup. Any witnesses to that signing have since died, so it becomes her word against his. And even though Liberty and Emerald know for a fact that their client used a chemical compound to make her signature disappear, they still help her take the bozo for half his estate.

OK, let’s talk: Did you enjoy the return of “All’s Fair”? Who do you think put those scorpions in Allura’s purse? And can Dina trust Brody, even though, you know, his name is Brody? Grade the premiere in our poll below, then drop a comment with your thoughts.