“That’s not how I play ‘Survivor,'” said a loyal and honorable man named the Dragon Slayer. A man who :::checks notes::: flat-out stole a key from Ozzy back in Episode 1? Sure!
Make no mistake, gentle readers. I love Coach. Love. And our man — one of the greatest “Survivor” characters to ever emerge — is on an absolute tear in Wednesday’s episode. As Dee and Jonathan butt heads about the Kamilla and Charlie votes, Coach gets riled up, saying that anyone who’s lying and playing “that kind of game” isn’t going to win “Survivor 50.” He talks about obliterating his enemies, and says that “the old Coach is back.” Hey man, don’t threaten me with a good time!
Financial Analyst Emily Flippen calls out his hypocrisy, saying Coach himself is a “flat-faced liar most of the time.” And as Tiffany and Dee fantasize over his potential demise, Coach lays in the hammock thinking of fresh haikus that fit his most noble reality TV struggles (though “betrayal all around” is six syllables, not five, but who’s counting?).
Coach isn’t done yet. He then pulls Rizo into his Four Horsemen alliance (with Jonathan and Joe), telling the young whippersnapper that he’s a replacement for the eliminated Colby. Rizo, the insightful and instinctual player that he is, flags this right away as phony. But the student of the game plays ball, despite thinking that Coach’s offer is ludicrous. And it is! Later, Rizo has to tell Coach to chill out after the Dragon Slayer refers to some players as “the people in the middle,” when Devens — who is, in their perspective, very much smack dab in the middle — is standing right there! Even Chrissy and Stephenie sit back and wonder if Coach is trying to get himself voted out. The “Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers” runner-up says he’s acting “unhinged,” and frankly, there are zero lies detected in that statement.
Chinese takeout and… brownies?
Before we visit Uncle Jeff at Tribal Council, a few additional Episode 7 observations.
-Financial Analyst Emily Flippen is at it again, squealing to Rizo that Dee told her about his idol. Is there no secret in “Survivor 50” that Emily is willing to keep?! (Probably not, and I love her for it.) Emily has been bringing the chaos with her loose lips and “zero effs given” attitude. What an absolute dynamite choice for a returnees season. 5/5 casting. We are really living.
-Stephenie is chosen to go on a journey, and the task at hand? Keep your arm raised to the sky for one hour and receive an advantage. It’s the perfect segue for a “Stephenie is a badass” montage, which of course includes her shoulder pop from “Heroes vs. Villains.” She does earn the goods (a Steal-a-Vote advantage), but the best part of this charade is that when she tries to lie to everyone about it, Cirie sees right through it. (There’s a reason why Steph didn’t win that “Snake in the Grass” episode!) As soon as Stephenie is on camera saying, “I do think my secret is safe with Cirie,” we cut to: Cirie immediately telling Rizo. We love the mess, Cirie’s raised eyebrows, and all.
-“And for dessert, a Chinese takeout staple: Brownies!” Say, what? Jeff, I don’t know where you’re ordering your Chinese food from, but drop their Insta handle in the comments, please. I’d love to chow down on some of Asia’s finest chocolatey delicacies. Why not add a pitcher of margaritas to really round out the meal? I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore because Jeff has thrown me off my rocker, so let’s take a hike to Tribal Council, shall we?
Dee’s game goes up in smoke
Tribal council looms,
All of us are unsettled,
Tonight, lines are drawn.
I couldn’t resist dropping a very special Tribal haiku here straight from the mouth of — you guessed it! — the Slayer of Dragons. The man, the myth, the legend. Before there ever was a RizGod. The man whose wrath and fury (along with Jonathan’s hurt feelings from the Charlie vote) seem to be leading the troop.
And even as Coach tries to answer Jeff in old proverbs or whatever that was, Dee and Tiffany’s eyes are rolling. (Me? I CAN’T GET ENOUGH.) Before Tribal Council, there were attempts to turn the tables on The Tide Walker. Emily raised the question of potentially booting Coach to the jury, and everyone under the Fijian sun probably knew that Tiffany and Dee were down for that plan. But with a lot of talk about “lines in the sand,” plus, it being the biggest Tribal Council in the history of “Survivor,” there were a lot of different takes and far too many cooks in the kitchen.
But after Jeff asked his questions and the cast placed their votes, Aubry played her idol, casting her “Scarlet Letter” aside. Dee, meanwhile, played her Shot in the Dark, but it sadly did not hit, and the “Not Safe” Season 45 winner was eliminated from the game by a vote of 8-4-1.
Any strong feelings about Coach out there? We want to hear them! Go Full Tilt Boogie in that comments section — and be sure to return Thursday for our Q&A with Dee!
